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How To Better Grief - A CBC Tapestry Episode

19/8/2018

The other day I listened to CBC's program Tapestry with guest host Christa Couture.

The title of the show was Better ways to live with grief.

The heartfelt discussions were uplifting and at the same time touched me deeply.

I was glad to hear psychologist David Feldman debunking the 5 stages of grief.

If you have followed the Healing Notes for a while then you know that there are no stages and that everyone grieves in their own unique way. It can get messy.

Next up was actor and comedian Cariad Lloyd. Cariad hosts the podcast Griefcast. I have been listening to some of her episodes and they are worth listening to for sure.

Last but not least Christa Couture talked to artist and designer Emily McDowel. Emily creates empathy cards that are to the point and sometimes full of humour.

Emily gave advice on what to say and what not to say when you have a friend that is grieving. I was glad to find her cards in one of our local greeting card shops.

You can listen to this episode of Tapestry at
https://www.cbc.ca/radio/tapestry/better-ways-to-live-with-grief-1.4723337

Let me know if this or a part of it resonates with you as well.

Wishing you a wonderful Sunday,
Jacqueline

PS: Take a step forward and sign up for the Healing Notes that will arrive in your inbox every second Sunday.

Love Is A Huge Gift

5/8/2018

The last month has been heartbreaking.

You remember that our cat wasn’t well in the spring. She bounced back and we thought everything was OK. We thought/hoped that she had gotten over the hump and that she would live with us for another couple of years.

A month ago, she didn’t come home from her day outside. Over the last couple of years, she always stayed very close to the house. And even closer since she didn’t feel that well.

She always heard when I started to cook supper.

Immediately, I would have company in the kitchen.

She would wait for us to sit down for our meal. I don’t know when it started but over the last couple of years, she would get a few drops of cream on a small old plate on the floor. And we all ate together. (smile)

Later, she would spend the evening on one of our laps.

This isn’t happening anymore, because a month ago she didn’t return home.

We searched everywhere. We talked to neighboors, called all the shelters and vets, put up posters, and listed her missing on the local FB group.

We are coming to terms with the fact that she will not return. That she might have followed nature's call and went into hiding to die.

Every evening our heart breaks a bit more because she isn’t around anymore to share a meal with us.

Love is a huge gift and she has touched us deeply over the last ten years.

We are grieving the loss of our little companion. The loss of our fun times together, our rituals, our connection, and her trust that she gifted us with.

Our love for her will always be a part of us.

I am humbled again by my own grief that has enveloped me. I know it will get easier but we will always miss her and love her.

Take good care,
Jacqueline

PS: I will take a few weeks off to recharge, traveling around Nova Scotia with friends, and spend some time in my art studio. (smile)

You can always reach me by email at jacqueline(at)healingforgrievinghearts.com

The Most Difficult Time For The Detained Children

24/6/2018

Children's-Trust-HealingForGrievingHearts

I hope you are doing well on this first weekend of summer.

Yesterday, I was drawn into the news by new images of the children detained by the US government.

Some of the images and one special audio file made me cry again for the children being left in this inhuman situation.

I want to talk about my concern for the children.

I am using an example from my own life. It doesn’t come close to what these children go through right now. But will illustrate how easy a child is changed by events out of its control.

When I was nine months old my family faced a difficult financial time. My mother had to step in to provide for the family. My older brother was looked after by my grandmother living in the same house. She didn’t feel comfortable to look after a nine months old baby as well.

So my mother had to make the hard decision to send her nine months old girl to her own family that lived six hours away. (An expensive day trip at that time.)

For the first six months I lived with my godfather and his family. During that time I learned to walk and to talk. The many photos show a happy toddler with her cousins.

Then my aunt got sick and my other grandmother looked after me for another three months. She did her best but she was not at all impressed with that toddler that hadn’t learned yet to use the potty. (smile)

When I was ‘returned’ to my mother I didn’t recognize her.

You wonder perhaps, if I remember anything of that time at all?

Yes and no. Lots of my memories have been planted in me by others that told me the stories about my time away from my birth family.

After my mother had passed, I found beautiful loving letters from my aunt that she had written during that time. She talked about me and how I integrated into the family and had started to call my godfather 'Papa'. My mother had kept them all those years. I am happy to still have them.

Almost all my life I have struggled with a feeling of not knowing where I belong.

And yes, I thought out help with my difficulty to trust in intimate relationships.

You see, something was lost during that time away from my parents. It influenced some of my relationships and life decisions.

Taking children of all ages away from their parents will influence their future as well. I was in a loving environment. These children are in a unthinkable terrifying situation. Nothing has prepared them for this. How will they ever understand why they are not with their mothers and fathers.

I am grieving for the trust in others that has been taken away from the children.

I am grieving the decision makers missing empathy.

I am grieving.

Love and blessings,
Jacqueline

Why You Have To Be Proactive When It Comes To Your Feelings

10/6/2018

Where do you store your feelings of grief and loss? HealingforGrievingHearts.com

Where do you store your feelings of loss and grief?

When I lost my mother, I was not prepared for the sadness that accompanied the days, weeks, and months after my mother’s death. It felt like carrying the sadness of every loss I had ever encountered in my heart.

There was nothing holding back the tears. The lid was open and I knew I had to work through my feelings and acknowledge them to be able to heal.

I had to be open to heal into a new me without my mother’s presence but her love still deeply embedded in my heart.

What do I mean when I say the lid was open?Think of our emotional centre as a pot and our feelings being kept in there by a lid on top of it.

As infants, our feelings move freely in and out. We cry when we are hungry. We laugh out loud when we are happy.

We react spontaneously to our feelings and no-one cares that we do so until we get older.

Then we learn to behave.

Somewhere on the way we also learn that a loss of any kind should be kept to ourselves. That it is a private affair.

Perhaps a grandparent dies and our parents don’t cry in front of us. So we don’t know if they are hurting or not.

Or we hear them cry behind closed doors. The message we get is: .....

Read the rest of this post at Medium.com

Have You Ever Thought Of An Internet Detox? Me Neither

20/5/2018

Healing-For-Grieving-Hearts-Jacqueline-Steudler

Over the last two weeks we have been battling with a bad Internet connection.

I don’t know how much time you spend on the Internet to get tasks done or surfing the web for research and connect to others on social media. I realized that lots of my work involves a stable internet connection.

It has been a frustrating time to say the least. The only solution we have left is to sign up for better internet speed. So on Tuesday, this will be taken care of.

Next to the frustration, I realized how much I have become dependent on the online work-flow.

Not having that possibility all the time at my finger tips was also a good thing. For instance I didn’t miss social media at all.

Yes, I do like that I can reach more people at far away places through Facebook. Yes, I do like that I can help people that have lost a loved one by being their online sounding board or pointing them to an online resource.

What I don’t like on social media is the noise of news I wasn’t looking for and the sometimes unfiltered expression of opinions.

What happened in the last two weeks instead?

I spent more time with friends and family. And more time in my studio creating new collages. The one above is one of my new creations. (Just having fun with my home-made marbling paper and collaging.)

When we get back on Tuesday, to being fully connected again, I would like to keep my online time restricted.

Have you ever imposed an Internet or social media detox?

What were your experiences?

Do you think that not being online would help your grieving process?

Or do you feel that being connected online to other grievers is so helpful that you wouldn’t want to miss it.

Wishing you two weeks of new personal connections on and off line. (smile)

My Garden Is My Happy Place

6/5/2018

Spring at last in Nova Scotia.

If you are not in these parts at home you might wonder why I declare spring only now.

Spring starts for me when the first leaves come out on a particular tree in our backyard.
Today, it happened.

The first leaves are out. They are small and fragile. The lush green is so wonderful to see - again.

A sunny warm day brought me out into the garden to tackle all kinds of weed. It is a hands-on job on my knees. It is not always comfortable to hunker down like that but the smell.

The smell of the fresh earth and the green gras just make my heart sing.

I was reminded again how important it is to dig in the earth. To take in the smells, and letting long forgotten memories pass me by while doing my work.

I felt tired afterwards but also rewarded and happy.

Did you know that multiple studies have shown how playing in the dirt can have a drastic impact on our mental health?

Here is a great short article by Alanna Ketler

So get out there if you feel a bit down. If you don’t have a garden yourself go to a public garden and put your hands into the soil.

Take off your shoes and walk the ground.

Have fun playing and getting dirty. (smile)

Take good care,

Jacqueline

What matters to me most? It is the ones that I love.

22/4/2018

It has been two weeks of emotional stress. A good friend was so kind to bring me a plant as a late birthday gift.

What we both didn't realize or knew was that it can be a fatal idea to bring a lily into a household with pets.

Our cat got sick. First we didn't realize how serious it was. She vomited. She had the shakes. And then she stopped eating.

That was the moment I took her to the vet. When I told the doctor about all the symptoms she immediately asked: Do you have any lilies in your household?

The answer was unfortunately yes.

The blood and kidney levels had to be checked. The results were bad. I had to bring our cat to the emergency clinic. And she had to stay there for two days on IV fluids to flush out the toxins.

Then she came home and every night we had to put her back on the drip to get 150 ml under her skin. (Not a pleasant experience for all of us.)

Our cat is now much better and soon we can stop the regular IV drip. She does eat normal again and is enjoying the outside.

Why do I tell you this story?

The anticipatory grief was sometimes overwhelming. Blaming myself that I didn't know about the harm lilies can cause didn't help either.

I was reminded how fast a life can be lost. How fast a situation can change. That I can't keep everyone safe.

It also made me realize again what matters to me most. It is the ones that I love.

If you know what I mean go and give your loved ones a hug.

Tell them that you love them.

And keep lilies away from pets.

Take good care,
Jacqueline

PS: Do you know how many poisonous house plants there are? Here is an impressive list.

Do I Need To Pay Attention To My Resilience?

8/4/2018

Your-Resilience-Grows-With-You-Healing-For-Grieving-Hearts

Resilience has been on my mind lately again.

Psychologically resilience is defined as
an individual’s ability to adapt to stress and adversity.

Some of the factors that make someone resilient are:

a positive attitude
optimism
flexibility in thinking
the ability to regulate emotions
the ability to see failure as a form of helpful feedback
a believe in oneself
to take responsibility for one’s life
seek good relationships
acceptance of self, others, and life

Even after misfortune, resilient people are blessed with such an outlook that they are able to change course and carry on.

This does not mean that you just have to think positively and everything will fall into place.
Resilience is much more than that.

After a tragedy, like an illness that changes a career one might be very realistic and deal with the new situation by adjusting her possibilities.

Another person might go on and pursue a dream they didn’t think was worth taking seriously before the tragic event.

A third will find new meaning because they believe that there is a better future.

Resilient people don’t walk between the raindrops; they have scars to show for their experience. They struggle — but keep functioning anyway. Resilience is not the ability to escape unharmed.
Quote by Hara Estroff Marano

And the following quote in regards to grief sums it up quite well.

If one has always met life’s problems with strength and assurance, it is reasonable to assume that he [she] will meet this experience the same way. One who has been easily distressed by circumstances may be so disturbed by the encounter with death that he [she] will need guidance and special help.
- Edgar N. Jackson

We forme resilience over a lifetime.

In reality we have considerable capacity for strength, although we might not always be aware of it. Feelings of loss and grief can overshadow our ability of resilience.

That is where a helping hand of a friend or a therapist comes in. She will remind you of your resilience, your strength and your abilities. He will help you overcome the sadness that overshadows them.

Sometimes you need others to show you your strength that you have built over a life time.

Take good care,
Jacqueline

Why is it difficult to find the right words?

25/3/2018

The last three months have been full of losses for friends and family members.

An accumulation of loss and death was happening.

It made it difficult to be there for every one.

Despite all my knowledge of loss, grief, and support I found myself at a loss for words sometimes.

It was also the repetition of my words that made me feel unsupportive.

Instead I started to write cards and hope that they conveyed my heartfelt support better.

Do you remember awkward moments when you were in the midst of your grief?

Someone reaches out to you.
Only afterwards, you feel more alone than before?

Why is it so difficult to find the right words?

Is it because we have not learned how to empathize with a grieving friend?

Is it because some of our own grief is still lingering making it difficult to be there for others?

And still.

If you are grieving it is important to reach out to others.

To open yourself up to heal.

Perhaps you can forgive your fellow grief travellers for their helplessness and awkward words.

In any case.

Be brave!

Reach out to others.

Get the comfort you need to heal your broken heart.

Take good care,
Jacqueline

PS: If you celebrate Easter and wonder how to get through these holidays have a look at the following posts I wrote about holidays. You can adapt everything to any holiday.

Do You Have A Safe Space to Express Your Grief?

11/3/2018

Yesterday, I read this touching article by Sarah Kravits here. She explains how her car became her griefmobile.

I like that expression. It conveys not only a place to grief but also the movement that our grief and feelings go through.

In short; Sarah Kravits explains how her car became the place where she feels safe to express her grief for her brother that was killed by a drunken driver.

A song on the radio, or a similar car like her brother drove, can trigger her grief.

I’m still not sure why I don’t grieve much around other people; I don’t seem to have much control over that choice, so I accept it. I am grateful for the on-demand safe space my Griefmobile offers. I keep a box of tissues between the front seats. - Sarah Kravits

Can you relate to her story?

I can.

I have encountered times when being on the road listening to music a song comes on that transports me back in time. I am in the car with my healthy mother before dementia took her away piece by piece and before she died.

I remember deep and meaningful discussions. Silly and humorous moments we shared on our car journeys together.

Sometimes that memory overflows with love. And the next moment, I am driving while crying my heart out.

Other times I just want to scream - and between us - I do.

My car is a safe space where I can sing, laugh, cry, and scream whenever I want.

Just a word of caution; Don’t scream in your car while parked in a parking lot with lots of people around. (smile)

Last night I was on Netflix (yes, I do that too). In the movie, a mother had lost her son and sat for hours in her car listening to his iPod. It made her feel safe and close to her son.

We all need a safe space where we can express our feelings without judgement.

It is OK to use your car as your griefmobile.

Take good care,
Jacqueline

PS: Give me a call. I am here for you. ☎️

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